im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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