i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
