We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
