and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
