um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
