my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
