Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
