A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
