We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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