this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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