So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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