This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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