yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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