I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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