M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So many bounce houses so little time
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
