i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
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Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
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I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize