Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
