Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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