Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
