On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
