just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
