Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
is that a dick in a sweater?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
