The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
