I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
