I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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