you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm at about main and main street
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Randomize
