I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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