Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
