either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
