Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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