Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
