Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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