we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
