Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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