yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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