Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
