Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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