Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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