I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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