Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
