What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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