shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
