We won't sleep together?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I have poison ivy on my dick
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!