He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
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when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
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No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.