I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
