dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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