i need an iv and a liver transplant
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
