then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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