Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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