Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
