Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
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I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
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Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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