did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
