i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
