why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
