apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
