dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
